Essential Friendships
You know that close friendships feel good
But did you know just how much of a health boost they can be? According
to a 10-year study of older people in Adelaide, Australia, satisfying
friendships predict longevity better than even close family ties, and
they can protect against obesity, depression, and heart disease, among
other health problems. “When women get stressed, our instinct is often
to find a friend and talk things through,” says Joan Borysenko, PhD,
author of Inner Peace for Busy Women. “Both touch and talk release the
hormone oxytocin, which has a profoundly calming effect on your mind and
body.”
You don’t need 600 Facebook friends or a jam-packed social calendar to
reap these impressive perks (in fact, both can backfire). Research shows
the following “types” of relationships are especially potent for your
health. Here’s how to cherish these friendships and make sure you stay
close for the long haul. Quiz: Are Your Friendships Healthy?
1. A childhood friend
She can still remember the boy-crazy, artistic girl you were at 16.
Longtime intimates are special for many reasons. They knew you and your
family while you were growing up and likely have many memories and
stories of you that no one else does. “These friends remind you that you
are still the person you’ve always been,” says Rebecca G. Adams, PhD, a
leading friendship researcher and sociology professor at the University
of North Carolina at Greensboro.
Nurture these ties by starting a members-only Web site—groups on Yahoo,
Google, or Facebook are free and make it easy. Use them to plan
vacations or share links to digital photo albums. Or keep things low
tech—just stick a card in the mail now and then, and stay in touch with
phone calls. Research from the University of Notre Dame shows that
people who chat at least every 15 days have the best chance of staying
close over time.
2. A new friend
Unlike members of your grade school crew, newly acquired pals have no preconceived notions about you.
“As we get older, we can fall into ruts,” says Pamela McLean, PhD, a
psychologist in Santa Barbara, CA. “New friends ignite different kinds
of thinking and fresh ways of being.” What’s more, they’ll connect you
to another network of people, says Rosemary Blieszner, PhD, a professor
at Virginia Tech who has researched friendships among older women. That
network can be helpful if you’re looking to make a career change or find
a new pool of potential dates.
Find new friends at the office, befriend your kids’ friends’ parents, or try new activities, like that Zumba class at the gym.
3. A workout friend
She’ll drag you out for a jog on days when you’d rather be parked on the couch.
Experts agree that exercising—whether walking, golfing, or salsa
dancing—is one of the most important things you can do for your physical
and mental health and longevity. And a good friend may be the glue that
makes this healthy habit stick. A University of Connecticut study of
189 women ages 59 to 78 found that strong social support was key to
maintaining a new exercise regimen for 1 year.
For best results, set a joint exercise goal together—whether it’s going
for a neighborhood walk 4 days a week or running a 5K. It’s the best way
to boost the get-healthy payoff of a workout partner because neither of
you is poking and prodding the other, which is a recipe for resentment,
says Marcia G. Ory, PhD, a researcher at Texas A&M Health Science
Center.
4. A spiritual friend
Being part of a spiritual community‚ not necessarily an organized religion‚ helps people stay resilient, research shows.
A study from Duke University Medical Center found that people who
regularly attended religious services or engaged in activities such as
prayer, meditation, or Bible study had a 50% lower risk of dying over a
6-year period than others of the same age and health status.
That’s not to say it’s easy to forge a connection in a room of 300
worshippers or while meditating on your own. Seek more intimate
opportunities at a local church or temple: Volunteer in a canned food
drive campaign, or attend a lecture series. Or try to join a service group.
5. A younger friend
How did you juggle your full-time job and three kids? Your 10-years-younger friend really wants to know.
Research shows that an essential element of a happy life is to nurture
and feel useful to others—by cooking a wholesome meal, say, or passing
on what you’ve learned through experience. For many women, that itch
gets scratched by raising children. But mentoring younger friends (from
the office, for example) can give you that same feeling, Blieszner says.
To maximize the benefits of this friendship, let advice flow in both
directions. A younger confidante can explain the social networking site
du jour or offer a fresh take on current events.
6. Your partner’s friends
Becoming tight with your husband’s pals is good for your marriage.
The more a couple’s family and friends intermingle, the happier spouses
are after even just 1 year of marriage, found one study that examined
the social circles of 347 couples. “We were surprised,” says researcher
Kenneth Leonard, PhD, a professor of clinical psychology at SUNY
Buffalo. “Including your spouse in your network of friends is nearly as
important for marital happiness as making them feel they are a part of
your family.”
7. Your mom
About 85% of adult women say they have a good relationship with their
mother, according to a Pennsylvania State University study.
Despite the inevitable conflicts between grown moms and daughters, the
relationships are generally strong, supportive, and close. “There is
great value in this bond because mothers and daughters care so much for
one another,” says study author Karen L. Fingerman, PhD. If you’d like
to be closer but run into the same roadblocks over and over, here’s some
advice to overcome the most common issues.
You find it hard to enjoy time with mom: Stop trying to change her, and focus on what you do enjoy, says Fingerman.
You keep clashing over the same old issues: The women who had the
strongest relationships didn’t take the conflicts personally. Instead,
they tended to see criticism as a reflection of their mother’s habits or
traits.
The relationship feels too close for comfort: Daughters who did the best
with this accepted that their mothers wanted more time together.
Instead of telling their moms what they couldn’t do, these daughters
focused on when they could get together and what they could do for their
mothers.
8. Yourself
If you’re like a lot of women, you’d drop everything to help a friend in need‚ but often don’t pay yourself the same respect.
So, how does one befriend herself, exactly? It starts with
self-knowledge, says Prevention advisor Pamela Peeke, MD, MPH, an
assistant clinical professor of medicine at the University of Maryland.
“Getting to know yourself is an amazing adventure,” she says. “Think of
what makes you fall in love with someone: how genuine, sincere, and
caring they can be; the unconditional love they offer, no matter what.
Doesn’t that describe how you should feel about yourself?”
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